


Literature and Film

by Piankujou



Category: joshler - Fandom
Genre: Cancer, Chaptered, Film, Gay, Literature, M/M, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-10 04:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11120172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piankujou/pseuds/Piankujou
Summary: After Tyler finally gets to leave his hometown of Washington, sun under his skin and hope in his eyes, college crashes around him like a wave. He meets Josh and somehow along the way, he makes it hurt less for Tyler. That is, until he's diagnosed with Cancer.





	1. intro

**Author's Note:**

> this is my very first fic on this site and i would appreciate comments. tell me i suck or praise me, i dont know, i like to hear the feedback
> 
> a/n: i dont know if i should post this or not because i really just want to have a stress free night and a relaxing as hell day tomorrow. 
> 
> i already know i have other shitty books, but this one claims my love for literature, and film, and studying irises and places and mannerisms. poetry too.
> 
> -sam x

"You know, I really want to make a film" she whispered. Soft and unassuming. Almost like the howling quiet inside her made no movement or work to let any of it due down. At least, not on her watch, not on her time. 

"What would it be about" He whispered back. Lips chapped, elbows gnawed against wooden planks and building bricks. He guided his wispy hand towards the peak of his nose and brushed away the sound silence of his hair. Silent.

She had never given a thought to it before. Not when the school work that created mountains that didn't house stars in the nighttime or the sun in the mornings, were always keeping a strain on her. Her being. 

"I think, maybe, nature." She hadn't known, she hadn't seemed to want it since she had even become acquainted with movies and short films and dialogue and writing and herself. It wasn't there to be holding her and to be pushing her, constantly. It just came, and maybe that was the way it was supposed to happen.

"Not like, the stars and the trees and the grass blades and that stuff. More like, the way sunlight filters through trees, flowers swim against the ground when a car buzzes by, or nice clean shoes against dirty ugly ground and rotted weeds." She breathed. Soft and calm and totally giddy against everything she was working to conceal. Working to hide. "Why do you ask?"

He sat up against a pipe, the cigarette casting a warm glow and onward screeching in his lungs begging for some form of help, if any. Sat and saturated the question sat above them both, hanging there like icicles clinging to roofs. Dangerous.

"There wasn't a reason." She obviously already knew. He never said things he thought he shouldn't cover. Unfiltered and totally incomplete with the spinning of human nature and himself. A stumble to his heart and a hammer to each beat.

"Okay" 

alright.

~~~

She should have been obvious. She should have ruptured in the length of time in which he didn't even begin to know how and why and where she was. She was a miner. One with the pick axe made of fucking diamond, her heart made of black and blue while her eyes filled with the spectrum of stars he saw every night. Picking away at what he was. Picking and picking and picking and picking andpickingandpickingandpicking. Until he no longer stood, but laid. And breathed, and then stopped. And lived, then continued. 

He was only in college, you know. Before the world that he held on it's knees, was sinking and drowning and consuming his breathe that quaked with the knowledge that he was not there. He wanted to be a doctor. A cardiologist, or a neurologist. He studied a lot and was a certified assistant EMT in High School and everyone thought he was great. He thought so too.

Because, you see, he had eyes of midnight, warmth that the light held tight under it's bearings, sun under his skin-sewn underneath , clouds peppered his eyes and the slightest wind threatened to shake the absolute death of what he was, to a complete and utter still.

Because, you have to know, five years doesn't fail to dishearten anyone. It doesn't like to linger for so long without doing nothing to leave a destruction, or be in the destruction. It does not live to repair. Not to lift dark. Not to just stand there and watch. 

And He knew this. 

God, did he know this. He cried into the white of his father's shirt when it happened to his mother. Threw the pretty porcelain pictures like fucking bricks to the ground where it was supposedly meant to be. Sitting dormant in the fragile pieces that held what he knew, but what he failed to understand.

And because She does not know of nothing to make herself smaller, and does not house the capacity to know how, she waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited..

And finally, she struck. 

Because, you have to see, He does know. He does recognize. He does what, and how, and when, and whom, and where. But he does not know why.

why? whywhywhywhwhy

She did not know. She did not mean to. She did not corrupt the college student with eyes of charcoal, body in muddles, heart slipping through his toes, veins coursing for something other than hatehatehatesadhatehatehate. She did not. 

Because he was already that way, when light sunk away, and darkness filtered instead. 

But not in the way you would have believed. Not in the way he danced in the roads, or sipped coffee by the tracks, or clothed nothing but sweaters and sweats, or in the fact that hair dye was the only source of color to ever seep into something he actually cared about. Someone he actually cared about:

Josh. 

Is what the name was. 

And while they both sat and lived and breathed and became everything to one another, She did not know anything other than herself. And how absolutely and irrevocably torn apart she was going to deteriorate him to. 

To absolutely nothing.


	2. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aimless by Johnny Goth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is a mild trigger warning for suggestions of abuse, and a small part of a physical abuse. comments are appreciated (:  
> -sam

Tyler Joseph housed many things.

He slept with the curtains open to feel the euphoria of stars, wondering if they were made, or if they just happened. He sorted through many things. Like records of nonexistent family tapes, the cologne tainted record albums, and the faint tattoos of a sharp thin arrow in the anklet of his sister. She was sixteen and her name was Evan because she liked it better than Gloria which her parents had named her. The crook of his bed that creaked under him always, when sleep left his eyes or when it wouldn't trickle in. The sun in all it's glory and worth didn't want to glint off of his skin, so instead, it soaked in and took most of the pale away and replaced it with tan skin that smoothed out all over his body and gentle hands and strong arms. 

Tidal waves did not knock him backwards or send him afloat in the ocean that always had a reason to drown him, but not an effect if it did happen. The sounds of a car and the beeps of a radio station, the smell of perfume and popcorn and finally, dust when he closed his very last book of senior year. A book he did not have any intention on opening, mind you. 

And really, he was complacent in the way he viewed the threads that hung around the right side of his face, or was it right?, when he was no longer known as a senior. Now, at least it seemed, he was an adult. And he held love for education like a boy who only knew how to memorize and be responsible and not do anything wrong.. Specifically though, he held that work and effort for film.

So with the determination he also kept in constant check, he had gotten a full ride scholarship to Cincinnati. To Ohio. To adulthood and film and future. 

Of course, he had to have graduated top of his class. Outnumbering his classmates with honors and sports and clubs and behavior and community related events no one really paid any mind to. And of course, he had to leave as soon as the ceremony was over. No room to hold a dinner for the family that raised him, or the friends he had known so well now. Or even for Juliet with wide green eyes and electric blonde hair, who was just as content on going to Ohio with him than stay cooped up here in Oregon. Because she loved him, and he loved her. so much.

But not enough to let his shoes sink into the place. Into the cold that was portland in the fall and the absolutely fucking freezing in the winter. Not yet. Not until he could come home with a weary smile and a film he was proud of. One that he bled into. One that held just as much importance as the things that held him did. 

So he left. With a kiss to the temple to his parents, a sharp long lasting imprint to Juliet on the lips, and a hug from the friends whom held more memories than he ever did of himself. 

And then, and all at once, he was in Cincinnati. Breathing in the air he knew had always been there, but never knew he would be able to consume it. In Ohio. Breathing in the thick air that saturated every living space inside of him and stuck like lollipops. The same air that licked his heart that continued to beat erratically and excitingly when he arrived. The same heart that always would, probably always will.

So here we set the story. With a boy who's dreams soared higher than any rocket ship and floated easier than a balloon in soothing winds. One that marked his life as starting, and one that did not know of Her ever. 

At least, not until She became Him.

*

"Hey, Is this my dorm?" He asked. Quiet but still commanding. Standing with a bag in his right hand, a camera in his right (the cheap inexpensive kind) and a heart of fucking gold sitting in his chest beating ever so much.

"You Tyler?" The voice asked. Tyler didn't even see a body before asking if this was his dorm, but he had a feeling it would work itself out. And it did.

"Yeah. And you're.." 

"Jackson." 

Jackson had really high expectations of what he hoped to achieve and be. But no one knew that and neither did Tyler when he set his camera on the empty mattress. A bed that would hold nothing but tyler for the longest time during which he was truly alone. And truly consumed.

"Nice to meet you Tyler" Jackson moved to get to Tyler. Or, to get close enough for his hand to reach Tyler's in a way that was a handshake. A firm, settled handshake. One that told him that Jackson just knew things he did not. 

"And you, Jackson." Tyler smiled back. 

*

College was a weird thing. A big, big thing that did nothing but exist to be used as a shelter of some sort for kids who thought the world was theirs. When, in fact, it most definitely was not. Time would just have to tell, who would let the world take it from them first.

The dorms Tyler and Jackson occupied sat respectively next to the science building. And that in itself opened up a lot of opportunities for Tyler and Jackson. Because, the way it was all set up was that Jackson came from Florida, and Tyler from Oregon. And they liked to talk a lot, lived to talk so much-it seemed to me. Forgetting that the stars had an infinitely small time limit to exist and breathe, they made conversation about many things and people and why there are stars and why there cant be moons instead of just moon. 

And, quickly, they become acquainted in the first week that filming swam by Tyler, Almost the same way science filtered through Jackson. They were always together and always talking and always wondering. 

Of course, a month had to have passed. Because without time, life would not hold pleasure in death and sleep and breaths. So thirty days ran away with them and out of the darkness came light (or at least, what I considered a fucking tsunami) and Jack kissed Tyler.

And he kissed back.

*

Now, the thing with Tyler. Or what I had thus far noticed, was the fact that he held a lot of time slots, and money and fun. Jack never held enough anything for it to be considered any of the three that Tyler was. And was it the reason Tyler made lightly to the library to finish his portfolio that he could have honestly made in their dorms, in their rooms with each other? Or was it because he just did not want to encounter a heart in his chest that would cease to exist when Jack was always present? Or a palm that had never really steadied since he first held him harshly? Or eyes that filled and filled and over filled when Jack did touch him and did hold him and did kiss him? 

I had no answers because now Tyler never slept. He didn't because one bed was always empty and lonely and dusty because Jack always had his arms around Tyler. An arm ghosting the boy's anxiety, fingertips gripping cheekbones when he was too loud, and bodies so out of tune of each other that they didn't even slot together when they first kissed. They would never cease to exist. Yet, Tyler would never counter with anything other than fear or a fake form of love. 

So I watched instead. Because that's all I could do. Watch and watch and watch and wait.

This particular day, a one where it had been a month and a half since they first made contact that was no longer platonic, and a full thirty days since Jack just did not give a fuck about Tyler's pale skin, or the bruises he made on the wrists he used to kiss. Or the fact that Tyler did hold some form of emotion other than kisses and sex and moans,

Tyler went to the library. 

But because I could no longer-would no longer- set someone that had eyes made of fucking gold and heart and chest of charm and color, to be deflated down to whatever Jack had wanted him to become, I sent Her. 

And she did the same as I: Waited.

Until Tyler was in his fifth wave of regret and his second time even leaving his room, and his hundredth time swallowing the lump that held so many tears that could not come out because Jack would be mad if they did. And so would tyler. And so would everyone else in the library, because why would a college boy who seemed so happy on the outside, be crying so miserably at the college library? He just wouldn't.

So he didn't. Instead, he took pictures with the camera that only held a respective amount of memories from Oregon, and an infinite amount of nothing because Jake would not let tyler out unless it was with him, and even then, his camera wasn't allowed. 

Pressing the button and hearing a relatively short click, the boy I've been watching for three months, fought the ongoing battle of what love was supposed to mean and forever drowned on an air that he let saturate his insides so nicely when he first arrived. But now let it saturate his mind instead.

"I like your eyes" Was the first thing that threatened to throw me off of the thing I was watching Tyler from. 

The voice so laced with what Jack did not have. It Held an immeasurable amount of confidence and laughter and love, and did not hesitate when Tyler spun around and yelped. 

His name, I did not know, but his meaning I did. 

She knew too. 

and we both decided, tyler would no longer be a boy with a heart of broken gold, but one with skmething unimaginable.

Something like him. The boy with fluffy pink hair, a medical book in his gentle hands, and the clouds underenath his pale skin. Because unlike anything tyler ever knew, this boy would bring it to him.

and in full-fucking-force

***

Tyler knew of very little that could hardly satisfy him any more. Knew of very minuscule amounts to continue in the cycle that wasn't really a cycle, but more of orders cycling around Jackson and what he wanted. But because he would soon know that the end of the first quarter was coming to a silent end for him, it was more like a massive screech for the boy's other half. 

"What do you mean you want to go back home?" 

It was, approximately, a week until the ending of all the tests and work and assignments, and seeing Jack on a daily basis for Tyler. The inevitable fact that this had been the longest two months he had ever experienced was still an obvious fact for me because though he did house the ability to cake his face in smiles that were most definitely fake and consuming, I could still feel every piece inside of him shatter and shake. And it was terrifying.

"Jack, It's the end of the quarter." Tyler answered. Working to make his side of the bed (that was only half of the small thing ever since Jack found a home wrapping his arms around tyler at night) clean and somewhat today. Completely and totally confident in his answer as if it did have every answer jack threw to him.

"So? I thought we both agreed we'd spend the week off here" There wasn't much Jackson did love. There was the desire to become a scientist or something that I didn't really pay all that much attention to, the need to feel better than most of everyone, and the lust for the boy from Oregon. The same lust that made tyler tense underneath him whenever things did get to that point.

"Jack, I haven't seen my family. I need-" With the force of maybe a car, Jack stood up and rushed to tyler's face. Smashing his mouth to his and getting a push from tyler almost instantly. "I have to go."

"You don't have to" 

"My flight leaves in five hours Jack." Tyler sighed. 

I know that he would never admit it, but tyler knew their kisses would never be the same. It was probably because they've done it so many times with too many wrong intents creeping behind each of them. Not enough purpose to be put in their fingers and lips and bodies. Touch that didn't matter. 

I also knew that Jack didn't give a fuck about that part as much as Tyler did. Because Tyler had Juliet in Oregon, and Jack here. And though Tyler left Juliet on good terms, he still had history with her and even that did not point to relationships being this intense as it was with Jack. 

"I said you're not going." I wish I could have made some sort of lasting impression on Tyler when he left for Cincinnati. I really wish I had.

Mostly because, thought Tyler did know what abusive relationships consisted of (a dark, sickly colored substance covered in nothing but the need to smother you), he did not know what, why or how. So he let it be. Even when Jack threw his calloused hands around the expanse of the pale skin that smoothed over tyler's neck was suddenly gripped everything from it.

And, for the fifth time in their short short relationship, Jack squeezed Tyler's neck just a bit too hard, put his body too forcefully to Tyler's body, and looked at him too darkly.

So, for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime, Tyler told him to stop. With a rough push and a raging storm in the oceans his eyes were, he stayed absolutely still in the world that kept running around him like it had absolutely nothing else to ever do. 

And, for the second time since they first kissed, Jack touched Tyler's face in a short slap. And though only a small noise resounded through their shared room, their world was infinitely igniting itself in flurries of momentum that was a precipice for the end of both of them.

A forever kind of thing.

*

Tyler missed his flight.

Instead, he was held down by the boy he thought was the space and the stars and the future and the everything. Underneath the darkness that the sun did not reach, letting out soft moans and little smiles when they weren't even real. All because Jackson wanted him to stay, and wanted him to have sex, and wanted tyler to be nothing when next to him.

Even though Jack shot out a million sorry's in the canal of tyler's ears for the slap and harsh handling, and Tyler nodded and whispered that it was okay, all I could hear was the shattering of his heart. Not in the way that was heartbroken, oh no, in the way that was heart consuming. Because even through all this, and the many times before, I could still see the love tyler held for jack. It was bright, and loud, and abrasive and blinding. It was still there.

Which, I guess, is why the boy, who no longer held gold in his chest and captured the sun under his skin, let jack continue making pink marks on his neck in a loving way that was not loving, and let him become something important, when he most definitely was not, and let him call him baby and babe when all those ever were, were just sounds.

I just watched.


	3. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh meet, relationships blossom, oh and they might be progressing (;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are certain things within this book that will be clarified at the end of the book. seeing how this is only the second chapter, it isn't anywhere near explanations yet, so please be patient and enjoy the story yeah? (: kudos and comments are greatly appreciated thank you.
> 
> when i first wrote this i realize that this is going quick in terms of relationship but please understand that i focus on the main point, and this folks, is not the main point yet.

When Tyler was younger, he used to get the prettiest rings at garage sales. 

The kind that was so smooth on the insides and scratched on the outside. He adored them a lot. Even then, when I was not watching, it didn't mean I couldn't feel the adoration that coursed through his chest when he set it on his slender fingers and wriggled them around. I could easily tell by the heart pumping in his throat and the teeth taking captive of his bottom lip, he couldn't wait until he was married.

Tyler smoothed down the rings and let them saturate the air in his room and eventually into his mind, and finally, into the way he held Juliet when they kissed, and now, the way he let Jack kiss his collar and chest and thighs. I couldn't tell if the rings that still held so much to him were still the ones that let him give everything to the people who let him kiss them or hug them or love them, but I could tell you that he was still infatuated with the idea of marriage, and what it held.

Me, sitting here, watching with each color dropping temperatures and the winter slowly piling up around tyler and jacks dorm, time held that undeniable truth that November was finally catching up on the numbers, and was passing it onto the last month, December. 

So, Jack being Jack, hadn't bothered to let any of tyler out of their shared room unless it was with him or for class. Which, in my mind, was the absolute worst thing anyone could really ever understand. But to tyler, it made sense. And that wasn't something I could understand. 

He listened to Jack a lot. Obviously. I spat, cursing my judgement for how slowly I had already set up everything and placed the important stuff in specifics. There really wasn't a problem, it was all just time that messed everything up. If the toxic relationship Jack and Tyler held were still going to be there and prominent, my plan would not play out. 

So I hurried it along.

"Babe, I need to go to the library" Tyler bent over, gathering the papers that scattered around his half of the room, picking up some random highlighters in the process. Turning to Jack, who was leaning against his headboard silently reading, Tyler pulled on his sweater and awaited an answer. 

"Sure. Be back by seven." 

It had been, I think, a month since the boy with bright blinding hair stood above him, stooping over the frail boy I watched over, an obvious infatuation in his irises and a definite heart throb in his veins. I made the conclusion pink haired boy had a thing for Tyler. Of course.

Because the below freezing temperatures, and the hardening snow that slowly turned into slick ice and a hazard for sleep deprived students, the entrance to the large library was marked off with neon yellow danger tape and slipping danger signs. 

Tyler sighed, the scarf wrapped around his pink ears and cold nose shifting only slightly with tyler's huff. He knew it was most likely going to be closed, but he didn't expect it to be shut down. A nearby flyer on a bulletin board read when they would reopen and when they would be closed in the future. 

Once again, another sigh was released as tyler read the times, "Ten o' clock?" He questioned incredulously. Tyler was almost never was the type to lose his composure over something so minuscule as a time delay and a library, and we both knew that. So why then, was his blood boiling and his skin bubbling with anger over something we thought was minor? I didn't question, because I already knew. Tyler, on the other hand didn't, instead, he ran his fingers through his neat sweater and flattened his beanie, trying to regain his calm and breathe.

That gives him three hours, I thought. Tyler tightening his sweater strings and stomped away with a curled up fist in his pockets, muttering incoherent things to nature and the ridiculous cold.

I stayed behind and let the brunet wander off to wherever he planned on going now, while I watched as the crisp leaves trickled down to the concrete ground and dusted over dead grass. Some crushing under some random icicle that had fallen, or whisking away from the intense winds. Or, in this case, being stepped on from large combat boots. 

"Dammit" The owner of the boots muttered. Large hands skimming over the folder tyler had just been reading moments prior. The voice cursed whatever or whoever had made this happen, then took off the hood that housed a flurry of fading light rose colored hair, shaking the absurd curls around messily before groaning and nodding to himself silently. 

Meanwhile, Tyler sat on a brick wall. Hands fumbling with his cellphone in frozen fingers, trying to type out an explanation to his boyfriend. Occupied in the seemingly difficult task, I watched as he suddenly stopped texting and stood briskly. 

"What the hell?" 

He set the phone back into the slit of his sweater and walked towards the entrance of the library once again. Careful not to walk underneath the dangling icicles or slip on the slick ice. 

"Ouch" A voice groaned out, the ch syllable droning on. Tyler made it around the bulletin board that held the flyer and gawked at the awkward sight before him. 

A pink haired boy laying face first on the ground, his arms steadying his body at a somewhat uncomfortable angle, just barely protecting the full collision with his face and the solid concrete sidewalk. Tyler watched with awe, or was it adoration?, at the boy he distinctly remembered so long ago. The one who started everything with a simple, "I like your eyes". 

"Hello." Tyler introduced.

"Hey" Josh grunted, still centimeters away from the icy ground.

"Aren't you the guy?" Tyler asked. Completely unaware of the fact that this guy he was talking to needed assistance.

"Mhm" Josh responded.

"What's your name?" I could already tell. The attitude, the obliviousness, the confidence, tyler only ever was in this mood when things were already heading in a bad direction. Or so he thought.

"Josh. Yours?" I watched, still in shock as to how and why they continued the conversation as if josh was not in the position he was in, and tyler was not covered in self esteem issues and bruises just standing there. 

"Tyler." There.

I felt an instant pang, a shredding insecurity spreading slowly through the heels of my feet, climbing its way to the tips of my toes then to my fingertips and finally covering my throat. With what, I didn't know, but as soon as it was done and over, Tyler still stood there, uninterested and still bored, looking at josh.

"Nice to meet you Tyler." Josh stammered out, barely getting the words through his teeth and out into the cold air before suddenly bringing his knees to his chest and his back to the ground in front of him. "Are you a freshmen?" 

"Yeah, And you're a ..?" He raised his eyebrows expectantly. Tyler still stood where his feet were planted, toes growing an infinite amount of small roots into the soggy ground underneath him, waiting for the pink hair's answer.

"Freshmen" Josh smiled, standing up now. His firm build and thin waist supporting the weight he had as he bent over to grab his bag. Tyler couldn't help but wonder why Josh rolled over to get out of the situation he was in. To me, it just seemed like he was trying to flaunt his muscles, which I didn't have a problem with either. 

"You're the guy who said I had nice eyes." Tyler inquired after they had both shook each other's and flashed a polite smile on both of their pale faces. 

"You're wrong. I said I liked your eyes. Not that they were nice." Josh pointed out. His finger in an accusing manger and a small smirk gracing his lips and a chuckle escaping his mouth. 

"There's a difference?" 

"Only when I mean differently." Josh replied cooly, his hair now fully shown and his eyes scrunched from the sun that peeked out from the clouds above. 

"Makes sense." Tyler nodded. 

And when they finally awkwardly nodded and left without another word, I saw her slip into the folds of his beanie and hood, making him her home for forever. Though I did send her, I didn't create her. That wasn't my job. All I did was watch and wait and watch and listen and wait and wait and wait.

~~~

It's a difficult thing to want to become something that you know you can become. To mold yourself into an unbreakable unknown that you just know will grace you from all the work and effort you've put into becoming that person. It's sort of like giving up when you know you can do more, when you know you can become better. 

I think, right now, that's how Tyler felt. 

Weights wrung to his wrists, lead balancing quietly on the ribs that he tired to bring air into and exhale toxic fumes from. The same weight that had been trudging behind him since josh and him made a conversation. That was five days ago. 

Five days is apparently long enough for Jack to get angered seven times. Two of which ended in a slap and then sex almost immediately afterwards.

So, why I make out the explanation that everything becoming so difficult to mold one's self into a better person, is almost as hard as accepting it never really was that easy in the first place because it just is. Tyler could've been somewhere better. Probably somewhere with Juliet, or maybe he could've gotten another roommate instead of one that liked to abuse and then have pleasure afterwards. Or maybe he could've made a bold decision to choose not to let Jack touch him. That or he could leave.

But it was never that easy was it?

It wasn't. He could've done so much better than the situation he was in. But that's what everyone says to dull their feelings of self hatred. An excuse, a pass, a lenient remark. A lie. 

Because truth or not, Whoever was controlling everything in the grand scheme of nothings and everything's, all I knew was that this is how it was supposed to be. With Tyler getting patches of damaged skin on himself everyday, and the feeling of absolute everything plummeting through his stomach and crashing into his heels like dead fucking weight. Drowning him.

Needless to say, I watched, and then another five days went by. And another.

and another

and another

and then it had been a month since josh made a appearance in Tyler's sight and mind. 

 

*

 

Most things I plan are temporary. 

Like Birthday Parties that end with a surprise or start with one. Or I sometimes trickle on the outsides of an unsupervised swimming pool. Glistening in the puddles of a bathtub or a sink.  
And it was normal for me. Written in frequency, slathered in normalcy, doused in knowingness. Because I know my job and I do it well, so that should be enough to pull everything together, I feel.

But never would I have thought I would be in this situation where I've been put in a situation with a boy, and his boyfriend, and his friend who is just too stubborn to be put out of Tyler's mind. Never would I have thought that even out of the huge mess of life, I would ever become this witness to many things. One of which would become Tyler and Jack's downfall, and the inevitable bloom of Tyler and Josh. 

Most of the time now, Tyler never slept. He only did so in his film classes or in the public restrooms. His face pressed against the wood of the desk or the cold tiles of the dirty stalls. Anywhere where he could catch a break really, could count as a place for Tyler to doze off. 

The reason mostly being Jack and how be was always so possessive and nosey about the whereabouts of his boyfriend (it's officially been three months now) and he prided himself on that fact. Even getting to the point of not letting tyler leave without permission or eye sight or anything that would seem insane to others, but normal to the sleep deprived puddle of tyler. 

So, naturally, Tyler needed some sleep, that part was necessary. The part that didn't make all that sense was where he slept. Because, as we all know, Tyler worked hard for this part of his life. And the fact that he constantly slept in his film classes (the most important class, the one that would work to carve his future out) was almost upsetting to him. It took a toll on if he really should be chasing after film.

Naturally, he fell behind, and come the first finals of the first semester, he effortlessly and beautifully watched the downfall of his grades plummet, along with his confidence in what he held important.

**

I don't ever mean to put anything I know the person I'm dealing with, can't handle onto them.

And I know there are always romanticized books and poetry and people who like to dwell on that fact that what I just said is not true. And I understand.

How, and Why, and that were never my strong point you know. But I guess people don't like to see much of the point, than they do of the reasons. All of which I never had, because the reasons were never important when I had the point. They didn't seem to be impressed with that though.

And I've never seen someone in the process of blaming me for that. Until Now.

Tyler sat cross legged in the Men's Restroom. Hands laced through the roots of his strong beautiful brown hair (the same hair that jack sometimes tugged at) and his fingernails pressing into the flesh there. He didn't like to spend the amount of time he had away from jack in class anymore. 

He was failing tremendously. Even with the start of the second semester, he still managed to go back to where he was before Christmas break. So he spent his time in the Library instead of school.

"I don't know why you think this should be happening, but if you are somehow somewhere listening to this, You suck." He spoke, quiet and quick. 

The silence that filed through immediately after was deafening. I could feel it, even from where I watched.

"Of course." Tyler whispered again, his hands coming to rest on his knees. 

I never have reasons. I don't ever come prepared with a plan and a map and a motive alright? Obviously I didn't know what I was supposed to do. So , like the thing I am, I continued to watch the boy who once held the sun under his skin, fall apart in a library restroom.

 

That is, until the door opened again, and instead of a loud crash, it held a gentle approach. Something insanely similar to the air right before lightning struck. 

"Hello?" I felt tyler tense, his body rigid against the dirty floor. 

"Hey" The voice responded. 

And of course, of course, of course, it had to be the boy. The one with fading pink hair, and the same one who happened to be housing her. 

And, of course, everything that Tyler seemed to be able to handle was suddenly falling through his hands and falling effortlessly to the ground beneath him (which wasn't that far seeing as he was nearly laying down). 

Maybe I would have described what happened next. Or what happened after, or even what had happened. But I won't, and I don't want to. You've got to understand the fact that this whole thing was made up. The whole relationship thing, the whole college kid falls in love thing, the whole believing thing. Completely sing song great and totally fake.

Because, even though Tyler got up off that floor and unlocked the door and was met with a boy who not only held her, but his own self, he was already done for. I'd also like to point out that no one believes in true love. They believe in a love that exists, and loves and stays, but not true love. So do not ever tell me that true love can and is existing. Because it most certainly is not. And if it was, I don't think Tyler would have been so caught up in whatever to fall away from what he held true and what he believed. 

They kissed, and then they fell silent and then they kissed again, and if Tyler could have had a second change at anything in the world ever again, he wouldn't do anything over. 

Yeah. That's what he'd do.


	5. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get up and started finally. Forget Jack because this chapter is all about Tyler and Josh c: the ending is important to the story line. Let's get this story on the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I underestimate my writing skills so much. I appreciate you who are reading this right now, you don't know how much this means to me (:

I feel that I must clear this up now. 

Fully, and clearly, and nicely. 

Tyler did in fact let Jack take whatever he wanted or whatever he claimed he needed, alright. He was forever imprinted with a science major's fingerprints and hands and body. Let it saturate his mind and soak up into every movement and thought. And Jack took everything he could. Like a thief that didn't know of anything else to hold. Tyler just happened to be the house that had no windows or doors or locks. And Jack just happened to be the fucking thief that took everything.

Let it also be known that even if most of the things that were apparently stolen from him, Tyler was always convinced that this is what love is and what love was and what it would eventually grow out to be. He let Jack take everything. Please do not view him as someone without a opinion or an option. Because he did have one. He is eighteen, he is in college, he is what he cannot become and what he does not know. Yes, he was in an abusive relationship. Yes he was ignorant to the everything going on. Yes he was and still is free falling into whoever pays him enough attention. And, yes, he did break up with Jack after the Library and kissing Josh. It happened for a lot of reasons. But can I just continue to say and tell you that Tyler does not know what love is.

And so, eventually, when Tyler spoke of the split, It went through everything. The confession of no longer feeling much of anything towards him. The good reasons to not be in whatever it was. The forceful tears that seeped through him when Jack yelled and cried. The little kiss Jack planted on the corner of Tyler's trembling mouth. And, the papers to fill out for changing roommates. The whole thing went by in whirls and Tyler's head felt like the inside of a toilet bowl. Whirling and spinning and gross.

And then they both kissed one last time and hugged the last time, and would work to become something insignificant to the other. Just like how it was when they first met. 

Then Tyler got a new roommate that was never there and then the library was always an opportunity to see Josh and to kiss him again to hold his hand. They didn't know what it was at first, and I wasn't sure either. Because Tyler does not know what love is and neither do I, but he still looks at Josh like he does know.

I would also like to say that the world is toxic and it does not care what you want and what you are trying to accomplish. We all know this. And if by some miracle you do not, you are about to get a dose of it in this story. 

Tyler spent his seventeen years in a small town in Oregon. With good parents in a good neighborhood and in a good religious household. The only thing he's ever been told that was bad, was his sister Evan. She was non binary, and she didn't care. He appreciated her and loved her nonetheless alright. She was the one who taught him about everything his parents shied away from. The epitome drugs brought, Sharing pleasure with someone you love only, and finally, the inevitably of Death. 

Tyler did not mind this, and he didnt mind when he fell back in love with Josh, and though he ceased to not see the infatuation similar to Jack and him, I did. And I was scared.

Though Tyler never found anything in not figuring anything out. Which is probably why he stayed with Jack as long as he did. And why he acted as a house without any protection: Because he did not know. Amongst other things, this is just what I saw.

He did break up with Jack. He did switch rooms. He is restarting his course of film. And he will become the boy who once held starts under his skin.

So long as she does not interfere. Though, I know she will regardless.

*

Many things happened over the course of everything I've been trying to lay out and explain to you. Like, how a small mini games section was made at tyler's hometown so he went back to smell familiarity and see his family that he missed so much. Or how Josh was almost always a recurring factor or that even though lights would always be somewhere safe to tyler now, Jack was always still apart of him like a tag on clothes. I know that doesn't make that much sense but tyler always had a hard time ripping tags off his newly bought clothes. Another thing would be Tyler quickly finding inspiration in most of everything he saw. That included trees and water and sunlight and bridges and sidewalks and people and colors. 

Josh was always there too it seemed. Almost always the same time Tyler was there. With his massive book of experience and medical names and hands so steady they could brush hair out of tyler's eyes as easily as tyler took perfect photos of trembling leaves. And that was something that was hard to impossible to do in a photographers opinion.

Josh was funny. He liked to make faces like he was talking to a little kid, he also enjoyed many thongs that made tyler laugh, like naming dogs or instruments or his books he read even if they already had names. He was smart too, he told tyler about a lot of long words and why he decided to become what he was trying to be (even though that wasn't a smart attribute it was still there) and that was exciting in itself. Time passed, tears fell when Tyler's grades came back as A's, and slowly but probably surely, we (her and I) were once again presented with each other again, and again, and again.

A cataclysmic moment and one that seemed to shape a lot of things I would feel.

* *   *

Love does not just happen.

It may seem random and messy and not perfect or pretty or worth it at first. It's all in the movies, they say, you know the ones with the kissing in the rain, the small praises, the perfect body the nice talks the moment you just know that that person is meant to be with you forever and ever and ever? That's really what this was to both of them, Tyler and Josh. A fairy tale, a dream come true. a miracle. 

I don't say that as a way for people to deny it or argue over it because love is controversial and weird and hard to know about. But you have got to know that with Jack came the future and without him still came the future, it's what he decided to leave behind is what is influenced. But you already know this. Josh was also important in the cycles of love because of what love continued to bring for me and for tyler and for josh alright.

So please don't take to harshly to the way everything seemed to flash by whenever they were together, because believe me, if I wanted to make this about the recording of their love, it would've been recounted somewhere else. Just, not here. Because that's not what this us about, well, at the very least, not what it is about yet.

So yeah. They went through the whole stages of friendship, of the awkward hand touches, the swooning looks, the way they noticed each other's presence over everything. They noticed and they were patient. Until it couldn't be patient any longer and then the first kiss happened again, but this time in a small apartment that held twenty something other teenagers who were drunk. Except for them, because this kiss wasn't rushed or silent like last time. It was lively and slow and nice and deep and wanted and okay. And, in my opinion, it's what started most of what I would later describe as the downfall of most things.

And now, well, now its where most everyone would believe it to be. In a library, with a deck of cards nicely laid out between josh's legs and next to tyler's camera and laptop (he was trying to finish something), the world spinning and the breathes leaving then coming then leaving once again. Because no matter how hard you could, or I could, see, they did care for each other in the way that most would describe as love. I just didn't know if tyler knew yet, or if he even cared. Most likely.

"You smell nice" Josh whispered. His tone mellow and slow against the tan boy's neck. It would have been seen as public display of affection if it were not for the comfort of the peaceful library, it would also probably be seen as insensitive but they've been together for well over a few months (7 to be exact).

"I know" Tyler responded, tightly, and frozen. He did not appreciate the way josh skimmed his hand over his arm, almost as if he knew exactly what he was doing to him. Not that he minded that much though seeing as he didn't make an effort to stop him.

"You do?" The air around them both was tangible you see, completely soaked in the air similar to electricity, and utterly laced with something others would call love. 

"I do have the ability to smell you know" Tyler retorted. It probably wasn't the best idea for Josh to be doing whatever it was he was doing to Tyler at the moment, especially with tyler being here to study and all. But that didn't seem to faze Josh all that much, his smirk still gracing his gorgeous skin and small dimples.

Josh hummed his response, fingers still skimming the boy's slender fingers then his hand then his arm, still in awe as to how and why he even deserved to have tyler.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"No, I do not want to marry you" Tyler replied, a small grin playing on his lips. 

"Shame, because I'm actually a billionaire prince and looking for a partner to rule the kingdom" 

Even from here, I could feel the bubbly giggle undoubtedly coming out of Tyler's mouth and into the air. "Shame" he agreed, still trying to get something (anything really) accomplished without Josh being there in just in the way.

The two were sat next to each other with the intent being a studious evening for one and a magic trick night for the other. Both knew well enough that the latter was going to be ruling sometime or later because they didn't like to argue over what to do with their time. Josh always won though, mostly because tyler didn't enjoy studying as much as he did watching josh mess up a simple magic trick. But I guess that went for everyone nowadays.

"We should probably get going" Tyler murmured against josh. The fatigue of recent endless laughter and the weight of the day, what with studying, slowly fell away and into the sleepiness that was presented. 

"Okay"

"Alright"

Once they had both gathered up their hearts that were spread messily over each others neck and collar and hands and mouths, they collected their tangible things and made their way to the outside that now held a scent of spring in it's air. Both hanging onto the fact that they would later be holding each other in their respective cars even after they departed.

But before Tyler could test that fact out by leaving, the soft steady hands caught ahold of his wrist and made the scene.

"What?" 

"You still haven't answered my question" 

Tyler sighed, his shoulders a dramatic mess, "What do you"

"the 'Can I ask you a question?' question" 

"Oh. Well, of course." How was Tyler supposed to deny Josh that right?

Josh stepped slightly off the ledge of the sidewalk they were both occupying, his hand still as fidgety as ever when they went on their first date (it was at a movie theatre) and quickly found comfort when Tyler connected them himself. 

"You know how much I love you and your presence right? Because, I don't think you really do" was the first few words to kick off a lifetime of many things "I know that you fucking hate full beds yet still hate empty beds, and that you cannot sleep without one light on, and that coffee is always your friend but energy drinks are even better, but would you please just listen for a second alright."

"You know I'm always listening"

"I. You don't know how much you are appreciated. How much your existence has on me and my chest that aches whenever I am around you. So, let me ask you this Ty. You're. It's." he signed heavily "I want you to move in with me"

And even if they've only been together for seven months, even after a fast fucking forward of many things that did not matter right now or that Jack is still and always will be a whole conversation in itself, or that Josh does want to become a doctor and that Tyler a photographer (and other things), they still came together, lips attached, mouths in contact, and hearts in heavy synch, 

he said okay. 

And that was okay.


End file.
